The cold hard truth..

I can’t pause my pregnancy to ride out the covid19 pandemic, I have begged, pleaded & prayed that this would all be over by now.. but with just 74 days to go before I welcome my daughter, I mourn the death of a dream.
The dream of having my loved ones by my side after my surgery, the dream of announcing her name to the world with a hospital door sign, the dream of having hospital newborn and family photos taken.
I mourn the dream of giving birth to at least one of my children with any kind of normalcy.
Now, instead of preparing with excitement I prepare hesitantly knowing that if she needs the nicu for any reason no one, not even her father & myself will be permitted to be with her at all which as many of you may remember would be vastly different than our sons 11 day nicu stay last year..
I’ll never get this time back.
I don’t get to redo my daughters birth.
I am bitter this virus has cheated me out of so much, I am afraid for my children, I am filled with guilt from the dread I feel having to leave my son and not seeing him until I return home and I feel guilty for dreading her arrival even in such uncertainty.
Make no mistake, I love my children and I know how incredibly blessed I am to have them especially after the journey we faced to get to them but my heart still breaks for what I wish could’ve been.. no mother should face this.
Today I choose thankful positivity, I may not have control over anything else but I will prepare for her with great faith instead of all consuming fear.
Xx -Tator