**I’m well aware that this won’t resonate with everyone but I wouldn’t be doing my heart, my children, or my story justice without sharing it. I’m nothing if not unapologetically authentic.**

Now that I’ve successfully celebrated my children’s birthdays for 2022 I’ve had a chance to sort my feelings, this isn’t to say these feelings are clean-cut, rainbow-colored visions of happiness that fit neatly into boxes because I’ll tell you that couldn’t be farther from the truth. 

We’ve done the birthday photos, I’ve made the posters, custom ordered cakes bought all the gifts, and every other detail that goes into celebrating another year with 2 incredible humans 3 months apart. 

I dive in head first going above and beyond even topping my best because they deserve it, they’ll always deserve it but as I’ve said many times before it’s extremely hard to watch your children grow and thrive every day, never missing a day and still feel like while the days are long the years are so incredibly short. Conceptually I know I only get 18 birthdays, 18 of each holiday, And 18 summers if I’m lucky before they’re no longer children and I’m aware that so many parents and families get even less time. 

While I’m grateful for every moment I won’t say those moments are easy. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t parent through the Lens of loss and trauma from it. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with that though.

Things are different when you’re the one who keeps memories alive so dates and days that should have been often get the better of me. 

I do my best not to let my pain shadow the celebration of the life we have with Raiden & S.p.  But it is a constant in our lives. It’s a part of my motherhood story and the parental origin story of my husband. If anything the fact that we carry such big feelings constantly drives us to do and be better by the day, especially on big ones like birthdays and holidays.

While I grieve for love lost I also see how blessed we are with every second. 

I study my children’s faces, their speech, and each step because I know tomorrow they’ll be just ever so slightly older. 

I’ll always long for the babies they were but I’m so blessed to watch them grow and thrive by the day. As cliché as it may sound I love getting to meet them and know more about them EVERY SINGLE DAY yes I’ve known them every second of their lives but each day they become a little bit more of who they are supposed to be and I’m just glad that I get to play a part in that it’s one that I don’t take lightly my kids are my everything and I know every parent everywhere with half a heart can relate.

My kids are my driving force for everything I do. They are my greatest adventures and my best contributions to the world by far. 

My children are heaven-sent gifts for my husband and me and we couldn’t ask for anything better. 

The hope I have for these children is immeasurable. The pride I feel grows by the day though I always believe it’s impossible. 

I’ll never be able to put the caliber of my love for them into words though I’ll never stop trying. I simply hope they know it. 

I know they’re still little, they’ve only turned 3 & 2 but each year hits my heart with a wave of sadness, confusion, and joy. 

Sadnesses that yet another chapter has ended and we’ll never be back there again, confused as to how it all happened so soon, and absolute joy because while one chapter ended another- the next year has begun. 

Meaning, that each day, week, and month in this chapter is an opportunity to do more, be more, and spend even more time making memories. That’s a blessing!

Every parent wants their children to have the best in life possible and that looks different for everyone. All my kids’ needs are met, they’re growing and succeeding in life, and they have nice things but that’s not everything. I want my children to have experiences, an abundance of love, and unwavering felt safety. The most important of which money could never buy. 

I’m completely aware that this is a long sappy post, but sometimes the things no one talks about are the ones we should be talking about!

Grief, gratitude, and happiness can and often do go hand & in hand. It doesn’t make you ungrateful or any less blessed to put a name to your feelings and allow yourself to feel them in your own time and space. 

That’s the point of this post, honoring all the emotions that come up around birthdays and empowering those like my family who have to feel it all. You are not alone. 

Should my children ever read this I hope they’d take away my love and admiration for them from all that I’ve said. 

I’m beyond grateful for the last half-decade of my life because it brought me my wildest dreams come true! My website, two healthy pregnancies, my children, my marriage, countless precious memories, and the book I’m writing to honor it all simply because my children deserve to have their stories told. 

Life is truly beautiful sometimes we just have to go through some of the most unimaginable pain and situations to truly see how precious and genuinely perfect even the most minuscule obscure things are. 

So with that, I wish my beautiful, healthy, kind, caring, intelligent, incredible children a happy 2nd and 3rd birthdays. 2022 is only halfway through and it’s been a beautiful adventure so far